“Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
- Lucille Ball –
Have you ever read The Alchemist, the ironic novel by the prolific Brazilian writer Paolo Coelho? If you haven’t, please stop reading this blog and go out and get that book at your favourite independent bookstore. You won’t regret it. For those who have read it, you’ll recall that the Alchemist is about a young shepherd going on an epic journey to find riches. The journey is arduous and long. He meets many interesting people and crosses many lands. And then he comes home, defeated, only to discover that the riches he was looking for were in his backyard all along. The Alchemist is Coelho's magnus opus (although he has written many other beautiful novels). It’s a perfect book, in my view. One with a simple message: you already have everything you need.
Like The Alchemist, the takeaway of this blog, though written by a much less accomplished writer, from my whole heart to yours nevertheless, is this: You have everything you need for the journey inside you already. A part of you already knows that. If you don’t have time to read further, you can stop now, because that’s all you really need to know. But I hope you won’t because in this blog I get more vulnerable than usual (and that’s pretty vulnerable) and I hope you can learn from my most recent experiences to radical self-love.
I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Life is therefore not about finding who we are, but rather discovering who you are. Uncovering all the debris that’s accumulated, obscuring the perfection of who we are. Clearing away the gunk that’s accumulated from the lies we’ve believed and untruths we’ve told ourselves. That we aren’t enough. That we aren’t worthy. None of it is true. As I’ve written many times before and will continue to repeat until you can recite it like a mantra, not with your head but with your whole being: You are already perfect.
None of us really knows what’s going on here on planet Earth. Right now, it feels rather like we’re in a tailspin. I believe that what we are seeing is the storm before the calm. I believe transformation is on the horizon. A shift to a brighter world. A world in which all humans, all other species and all the ecosystems that sustain us all, are thriving on a healthy planet.
Our role in creating that world is to love one another better. To lead with love and to be led by Love. But in order to get there, we’ll have to learn to love ourselves better first. Every part of ourselves. Not just the pretty parts, the lovely things. Everything. So, if you’re still with me, I invite you to get your metaphorical hiking shoes on and put a few things in your trusty backpack. Not for a walk outside, but for a journey within.
My own journey within has gotten much, much deeper recently. I’ve definitely needed that backpack and the toolkit within it and the hiking shoes too as the terrain has gotten a little rocky. And if I’m honest, it’s also gotten much scarier in a way. Because I’ve been facing the last remnants of my unworthiness. Seeking them out and vanquishing them with love. It’s not as cool as it sounds. It’s really, really, hard.
Inspired by one of my teachers, a few weeks ago I decided to embark on a worthiness bender. What that means is that I align my actions, my thoughts and my beliefs - basically everything I do - with what I need to feel more worthy. And every day I commit to doing at least ten minutes of mirror work. Looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself how much I love myself. How worthy I am. You can find a lovely guide in Mirror Work by the late spiritual teacher Louise Hay.
Without my coach, I’m not sure that I’d stay the course with the worthiness bender, because it’s really hard. I always think of dozens of other things that I urgently need to do when it’s time for mirror work. Like cleaning my oven or learning to knit. But I’ve stayed the course because I have accountability. That said, I’m also learning to be more accountable to myself. I can see how much the worthiness bender is already changing me, both inside and out and I want more of that. The more I love myself, the more I want to do things that help me love myself even more.
Last year, I wrote about the journey to wellbeing based on my own experience recovering from burnout. That journey too started with self-love. As I wrote last year, I learned about a project led by writer Elizabeth Gilbert and her best friend Margaret Cordi called Letters to Love while listening to an episode of one of my favorite podcasts: We Can Do Hard Things. If you want a refresher on Letters to Love, Gilbert provided one at the end of last year that you can find here.
When I wrote about Letters to Love last year, I told you about some of my own letters to love, the practice of it, some very high level details about the content, but I didn’t share any of the actual letters with you then. It felt too vulnerable and scary to let you inside my head and my heart. But in the interest of helping you be brave, I’m going to go first. So here is one of my letters to love, one that Love channeled through me this morning while writing this blog.
Dear Rin,
I’m glad you are taking time today to nurture yourself. To spend a cozy Sunday inside your flat while the wind blows the trees to and fro outside. I love seeing you all warm under the covers with your laptop propped on top of the duvet, filling your heart up by writing and listening to things that nourish you. I love that you had a breakfast of champions: one of the very best vegan brownies in the world with vegan ice cream for breakfast with some decadent ceremonial cacao.
I know the smoke alarm going off when you forgot that the remaining cacao was still simmering on the stove was a bit jarring. You sometimes forget the outside world exists when you’re writing things that matter most to you. That’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up. That’s what smoke alarms are for. Next time you’ll set an alarm as you are increasingly doing when you know you’re about to get into the flow, and all will be well.
And now it’s time to get serious . . .
I am so proud of you for taking on the worthiness bender. I know it’s been hard to look at yourself in the mirror every day and to really see yourself. I know it’s hard to love yourself some days. Though the thought of really seeing yourself sometimes makes you nauseous, you’ve stayed with it. I am so awed by how committed you are to this journey to radical self love. I am so proud of your commitment to own your worthiness with every fibre of your being no matter what.
But I also know that you have moments when you still feel unworthy, not good enough. When you struggle to lead teams gracefully. When everything seems to be falling apart. When you feel woefully inadequate, not up to the challenges you’ve taken on. When you look at others and marvel at how together they are and lament at your sometimes messy life of too many things. Remember not to compare your insides to someone else’s outsides. You don’t know what’s going on in their internal world. Keep doing the thing and try not to worry about what others are doing. You know that others appreciate it when you are brave and vulnerable. When you say the things that need to be said. So keep doing that.
I want you to know I see you. I see how hard you try. I see how hard you love and the cost that sometimes exacts on you. I see how hard you’re trying to step into your worthiness, to be a more empowered version of yourself while not letting go of the kindness of your heart. I see how sometimes you struggle with simple things, asking yourself, “Is this the next right step on the journey?”.
The thing is, Dear Erin, you already know it’s all okay, it’s all perfect. Your coach tells you that every week and yet you continue to get stuck sometimes in analysis paralysis, thinking through each step, wondering: “Is this what the most empowered version of me would do?” I want you to know that you’re doing great. That every day you decide to wake up and face the day with grace and love, is a day that’s been won already, no matter the outcome.
Keep on keeping on with the worthiness bender. It’s leading you down the right path. The road might get rockier before it gets smoother but I am here with you. Watching you, guiding you, loving you every step of the way. Always.
Much love,
Love
And that’s it, Dear Reader. I didn’t write the letter above. Love did. It came from deep inside of me, from the truth of who I am. From Love. I hope you’ll let Love write you a letter too because it will change your life.
What I know for sure, is that the more I love myself, the better I am at leading. I could back that claim up with books and papers, with theories and empirical evidence. I am a researcher after all and one of my areas of academic inquiry is leadership. And perhaps one day I will share all those things with you. But it’s Sunday and I want to get on with my day. What I can tell you is that I have lived experience that has shown me how much loving myself more every day makes me better at everything I do, including leading.
I hope my experience can inform yours, Dear Reader. And I hope you’ll embark on your own worthiness bender, whatever they might look like. I look forward to hearing your stories! Next month we’ll continue our journey to courageous leadership. See you then!
Erin Roberts is the founder of the Climate Leadership Initiative and supports the amazing team delivering the New Generation program, currently working with its third cohort of phenomenal young climate leaders who are making change in the world. She believes that a world in which all humans, all other species and all ecosystems are thriving on a healthy planet is completely possible. And hopes you’ll join her in working towards it.
Resources
Beck, M. (2016). Diana, Herself: An Allegory of Awakening. London: Cynosure Publishing, LLC. Find it here: https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/diana-herself-an-allegory-of-awakening-martha-beck/3094717?ean=9781944264031.
Brach, T. (2020). Radical Compassion: Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN. London: Ebury Publishing. Find it here: https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/radical-compassion-learning-to-love-yourself-and-your-world-with-the-practice-of-rain-tara-brach/2353225?ean=9781846045660.
Brown, B. (2022). The Gifts of Imperfection. London: Hazelden Information & Educational Services. Find it here: https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/the-gifts-of-imperfection-10th-anniversary-edition-features-a-new-foreword-and-brand-new-tools-brene-brown/6584166?ean=9781616499600.
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of the Human Experience. London: Random House. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/atlas-of-the-heart-mapping-meaningful-connection-and-the-language-of-human-experience-brene-brown/17210802?ean=9780399592553&next=t&next=t.
Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed: Stop pleasing, Start living. London: Ebury Publishing. Find it here: https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/untamed-stop-pleasing-start-living-the-no-1-sunday-times-bestseller-glennon-doyle/3463827?ean=9781785043352.
Gilbert, E. (2016). Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear. New York: Riverhead Books. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/big-magic-creative-living-beyond-fear-elizabeth-gilbert/588716?ean=9781594634727&next=t&next=t.
Gilbert, E. (2007). Eat, Pray Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia. New York: Riverhead Books. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/eat-pray-love-one-woman-s-search-for-everything-across-italy-india-and-indonesia-elizabeth-gilbert/11694804?ean=9780143038412&next=t&next=t.
Hanh, T.N. (2006). True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart. Boulder: Shambala. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/true-love-a-practice-for-awakening-the-heart-thich-nhat-hanh/11794845?ean=9781590304044&next=t&next=t.
Hay, L. (2016). Mirror Work: 21 Days to Heal Your Life. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House LLC. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/mirror-work-21-days-to-heal-your-life-louise-l-hay/8291446?ean=9781401949822&next=t&next=t.
Hay, L. (1984). You Can Heal Your Life. London: Hay House Inc. Find it here: https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/you-can-heal-your-life-louise-hay/2980720?ean=9780937611012.
hooks, b. (2018). All About Love. New York: William Morrow Paperbacks. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/all-about-love-new-visions-bell-hooks/8888106?ean=9780060959470&next=t&next=t.
Kaur, R. (2022). Heal Through Words. Kansas City, MO: Andrews McMeel Publishing. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/healing-through-words-rupi-kaur/18396387?ean=9781524873264&next=t&next=t.
King, V. (2018). Good Vibes, Good Live: How Self-Love Is the Key to Unlocking Your Greatness. London: Hay House UK Ltd. Find it here: https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/good-vibes-good-life-how-self-love-is-the-key-to-unlocking-your-greatness-the-1-sunday-times-bestseller-vex-king/1510663?ean=9781788171823.
Laporte, D. (2022). How To Be Loving: As Your Heart Is Breaking Open and Our World Is Waking Up. Louisville, CO: Sounds True. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/how-to-be-loving-as-your-heart-is-breaking-open-and-our-world-is-waking-up-danielle-laporte/18100238?ean=9781683647621&next=t&next=t.
Neff, K. (2015). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: William Morrow Paperbacks. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/self-compassion-the-proven-power-of-being-kind-to-yourself-kristin-neff/9006877?ean=9780061733529&next=t&next=t.
Ravikant, K. (2020). Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. London: HarperOne. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/love-yourself-like-your-life-depends-on-it-kamal-ravikant/16573874?ean=9780062968722&next=t&next=t.
Singer, M.A. (2007). The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-untethered-soul-the-journey-beyond-yourself-michael-a-singer/16621989?ean=9781572245372&next=t&next=t.
Taylor, S.R. (2021). The Body is Not An Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-body-is-not-an-apology-the-power-of-radical-self-love-sonya-renee-taylor/7723432?ean=9781523090990&next=t&next=t.
Tolle, E. (2004). The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. Novato, CA: New World Library. Find it here: https://bookshop.org/p/books/the-power-of-now-a-guide-to-spiritual-enlightenment-eckhart-tolle/15546242?ean=9781577314806&next=t&next=t.
Tolle, E. (2003). Stillness Speaks: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. London: Hodder & Stoughton. Find it here: https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/stillness-speaks-eckhart-tolle/3288936?ean=9780340829745
